My wife and I are visiting our church in Every Nation Memphis now. Yesterday we took a tour around some sights that this historic city is known for. First we visited Graceland, the home of the King, Elvis Presley, then we went to the National Civil Rights Museum, which is the site where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated.

Two historical artifacts, two untimely deaths, two great men, but one site left me with the sense of tragedy and the other with a sense of hope.

One death was analyzed meticulously. From Reverend King’s famous mountaintop speech the night before, to the moments in his hotel room, to the disorder that erupted when he was shot. Everything about it was pieced together to paint a picture of a man who felt his end was near, but faced it grimly in order to lead other people to a better life.

In contrast, there was no mention at all of Elvis’ last years. And his death was announced simply in one sentence. The entire tour glorified him and showcased the machinery and celebrity culture that sucked him in, chewed him up, and spit him out. But was quick to gloss over the remains of the man it left behind. The entire site today immortalizes the young and rising star and not the broken has-been. Is it any wonder that so many young people nowadays desire celebrity status without considering just how much it takes from a person?

The rest of the day got me thinking. We all have one life and one death. Even if we live our life to the fullest here on Earth, even if we attain all earthly accolades, even if we become the most successful, the most famous, the richest person in the eyes of everyone around us, what validates all that is how we die and what comes after. Are we living today with an eye for how we will die?

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 

What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 

For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.

 - Jesus (Matthew 16:25-27)

hi pastor, i’m curious, when is it “right” to date? and how do you know when you’re really ready, that it’s in line w God’s will? i’m 19 yo, in no rush, but sometimes i just wonder…how will i know when i’m ready?

Well, the Bible says “Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.” It’s a great section of the Bible, you might want to read the surrounding areas for more clarity. But the gist of it is believers are free to do anything (obviously, nothing sinful), but to be wise about it.

Here’s an example: it was my thought process with getting into a dating relationship. Why do I want to date? Is it going anywhere? Am I ready for this to go to the next level – marriage? Or am I just looking for companionship now? What am I looking for in a person I want to date?

That’s an example of some thoughts I had to judge if it was beneficial or not.

Hi Pastor Joseph! Have you ever had a money issue with Carla? How do you manage if the wife has more money than the husband before marriage? Thanks!

Hi! Yes, we’ve had a few of those. Mostly because of poor money managing skills and lack of discipline on my part. I appreciate wisdom and accountability from older men and women who have helped us (me) significantly.

We decided that we would live (necessities) on my share of the income and she would feel free to add to whatever she wanted from her income. We also do our best not to touch her nest egg, and instead talk together about what it’s for – giving, helping others, going on trips, fixing the house, etc. I know it’s not the same as others but we decided to do this given the unique nature of our different histories.

Why did you decide against collating your podcast in one site?

It was just too much work to request for copies from every church I’d preach in. Also, I didn’t want to make it about me and where I’m preaching, but I want to encourage people to be involved in the life of their local spiritual community. But maybe I’ll rethink it in the future, if someone would help me gather them.

If you were given a chance to pick between these two, which would you choose? Eurotrip or US Trip?

Europe! Coz I’ve only been to London and never to mainland Europe.

My negosyo pa po b ang wife nyo?(Ricas calamansi soap)isa sa negosyo nya.

Yes! The tagline was Rica’s Deepest Secret – Calamansi Soap. It was one of the reminders to me that this woman I’m married to is so famous she has her own soap.

do you have a favorite preacher? who?

I have several. I enjoy listening to my dad because he frequently has unique angles and insights on the topic. Pastor Steve Murrell has always been a favorite as well because of his ability to take seemingly complex ideas and make them simple. I also like his humor onstage.

Again, like I’ve said before, if you want to ask questions, click here

This blog is a continuation of yesterday’s blog. Since I initially wrote it as one long piece that netizens would TLDR, it makes better sense when it flows from the previous thought. We said…

For a relationship to work, both parties must serve each other’s needs. Not just take for themselves.

Both parties keep talking about what the other should be doing. But neither of them are LISTENING. No one is acknowledging what the other is saying. No one even admits to the other party’s hurts. It’s an escalation of accusation.

This doesn’t just apply to marriages or romantic relationships. It works for family, friendships, and even work relationships. If your perspective is about how people aren’t serving your needs and how you need to take what you can while you can, then that relationship is gonna stay weak, if not die altogether.

Here are some examples:

“Eh, sila muna magsorry, sila yung unang nagkamali.”

(Need: I need to be apologized to. Alternative: Why not just forgive the person first regardless of whether they apologize or not?)

“If I don’t do this for myself, then who will?”

(Need: I need to fulfill my own dreams because you won’t. Alternative: Why not believe that you can fulfill them together?)

“Why should I help them? They’ve never helped me.”

(Need: I need help, and you need help. But because you wouldn’t help me, I won’t help you. Alternative: Don’t you see how this is a lose-lose scenario?)

“Why should I give this person a chance when they’ve failed me so often?

(Need: I need to protect myself from your inadequacies and I don’t believe you’ll ever change. Alternative: If you really have no hope for the person, why are you in that relationship in the first place?*)

Someone will ask, “But what if the person never meets my needs? How will they ever get met?” And that’s the fundamental issue of the relationship. Is it there to meet your needs or is it there so you can meet other people’s needs? Am I married to my wife so she can meet my needs or so that I can be a channel to met hers?

And who will meet my needs if not my partner? I’ve given the clue already when I said “channel.” God will. That’s why the only way my relationships with other humans will work out is I go there full – affirmed because He believes in me, purposeful because He made me for a reason, joyful because He’s a God who know how to enjoy Himself, forgiving because I’m forgiving, and loving because I’m loved.

You put two people like that together in a relationship, and nothing will ever make them quit each other.

*One Huge Disclaimer: Not all relationships are meant to last for life. Work relationships, friendships, dating relationships, and even some marriages will end. Simply because it takes two to make it happen and there really are some jerky, evil, selfish people out there.

So that’s why I don’t just need God to help me. I need the person I’m with to know that too. Otherwise, the relationship can’t go much deeper. That’s alright for friendships and working relationships. But that’s going to be tragic for dating relationships and especially marriages.

Here’s a simple but great blog from Pastor Paolo Punzalan on how tell if a relationship isn’t working out.

Last night I tweeted that my wife wanted to eat in McDonalds and I disagreed. Today she asked again and I, not in any mood to test my luck at refusing her again, relented. While sitting there, I heard Beyonce and R. Kelly’s remake of Beyonce’s If I Were a Boy.

a short-lived victory

I never liked that song. I think it’s because I can hear myself responding in my head the whole time, “Yeah, but you aren’t. So sing about something else.” Also, there’s just something wrong with pretending we can walk in the other person’s shoes and say what we would do if we were them.

I mean, what if a guy wrote a song and said, “If I were a girl, I wouldn’t use PMS as an excuse for all kinds of terrible behavior.” That would just be poor song writing. It would also be cruel and ignorant. The hypothetical guy has no idea what it’s like to go through that every month so it’s just arrogant to presume he know what he’s saying. He can make suggestions, but do so without pretending to know everything about the other person.

Beyonce starts by making a list of things she wishes her man was. And how he doesn’t do any of those things. She then says that if she was the guy she’d do a better job. Then R. Kelly starts with his whole list of things he wishes his woman was. And how she doesn’t do any of those things. The song ends with the relationship right at the brink of falling apart.

I think R. Kelly was inspired by the Total Eclipse of the Heart video

Well, hearing the duet again today finally made clear what it was I didn’t like about it. And here it is:

For a relationship to work, both parties must serve each other’s needs. Not take for themselves.

Both parties keep talking about what the other should be doing. But neither of them are LISTENING. No one is acknowledging what the other is saying. No one even admits to the other party’s hurts. It’s an escalation of accusation.

She says he’s bad at this. He says she’s bad at that. And on and on it goes. Zero giving, zero listening, zero forgiveness – it’s amazing they stayed together long enough to finish the song.

Of course, you could also say, “Relax, Joe. It’s just a song.” And you would be right.

I mean, no one really uses movies, music, or hit songs to determine their perspective on love and relationships, right?

That would just be dumb.

Tomorrow I’ll give practical examples of how this mindset plays out and how we can respond if we’re looking to give, and not to take.

Was R. Kelly's mansion built by the Umbrella Corporation? No wonder it didn't work out.

Being a husband is the hardest work I’ve ever had to do. And I think many (if not all) married men would agree. One of the most challenging things is that a husband must be both man and gentleman.

Our hands must be strong enough to carry heavy weights and fight when necessary. But they must also be gentle enough to comfort and caress.

Our speech must inspire submission and embody leadership, but it must also speak softly and lovingly.

We must be rugged enough to get our hands dirty, but we must also clean up nicely at her request.

I made a list of things I did today that somehow capture being a husband as both man and gentleman. I hope it will be helpful to other husbands and would be husbands out there.

Gentleman

• Prepare Carla’s breakfast
• Wash the dishes afterward
• Listen patiently to her advice on technology
• Pick up her dress for the Star Magic Ball
• Help her get into her dress, including managing all those tiny hooks and loops
• Fix the shiny, metallic belt so that it really ties the whole outfit together

Man

• Make decisions for our day ahead
• Initiate making love
• Do some heavy lifting around the house
• Mentor some young men on growing up
• Watch a Mixed Martial Arts event with a bunch of guys
• And I still haven’t taken a bath the whole day

Well, that’s all part of a husband’s work. Hope it’s informative and helpful.

Now I have to do one more gentlemanly thing and take a shower because my wife won’t let me sleep beside her if I don’t.